Monthly Archives: April 2012

Another critic

This guy has a different, more succinct approach to critiques. Also, you never really know what he’s talking about. This is his space


Dear Instagram and iPhone camera trolls,

Suck it.


This is the first of many critiques on humanity. Frankly, humanity has it coming.

Its misting this morning. Cold, 55°. For late April, its downright miserable. People are not deterred. Off to work and stuff. We’re such a resilient organism. Must be our superior intelligence.

Take that young lady getting out of that car there. Opens the door. Fiddling with something. More fiddling.  Oh! Here comes an umbrella. Don’t want to get misted on walking the 10′ from the car to the covered train station.

Wait, now there’s more fiddling.  The umbrella is now out the door and upside down catching all the moisture it was meant to repel.

She begins a contortionistic set of maneuvers to get out of the car while maintaining maximum dryness from the now torrential mist. I briefly consider calling the Coast Guard, that little umbrella may need some help.

Begin disembarkation. Umbrella out the door. First foot leaves the car. So far so good. Check umbrella position; it’s sideways now, neither catching water nor protecting that brave little foot that has ventured out alone into this harsh environment. A full torso twist, she turns to grab her rather large purse. A purse so cumbersome in this kind of weather could be her downfall but she can not be stopped, no!

Next foot is out the door. Umbrella check: still in useless mode. Purse-slash-fashionable-bod-bag in lap, she begins her inchworm tooshy slide out of the car. Engage umbrella! It is now fully operational. Its 24 inch diameter offers complete protection from the relentless mist.

A couple more heave-hos and she is out. Had she the faculty of both hands it would not have been nearly as difficult, but no sane human would have attempted to leave the vehicle lacking the protection of the umbrella. No, this is the way it had to be.

As she comes around the car I see her unobscured. She’s wearing capris and thong sandals. Fucking sandals.

Are you serious?

I just need to recap because I’m confused. It took you 5 minutes to get out of the car because you needed that teeny-tiny umbrella to keep you “dry” as you walked 10 feet in mist. Do you dislike your feet? Do they need to be punished? Perhaps they are made of some unique water resistant substance. That must be it. But that begs the question then: what her head was made of?

Bored to contentness

Europa penne a la vodka

This was the most boring dish I’ve ever eaten which isn’t difficult since pasta is the launching pad for boring. Flour and water mixed and mashed into a solid that’s boiled in water… how you light my soul afire.

The vodka sauce was equally generic. At least it looked palatable. I added sundried tomatoes, mushrooms and chicken. Meh, meh and meh.

Put it all together and you get a big hot bowl of mediocrity and Europa hit this one out of the park.

It was wonderful.

My friend KG said it was nothing to write home about which is what tipped me off as to why I liked it so much. It tasted like home. You know those dishes you had at home when you were a kid that seemed there just to interfere with your cartoon watching that somehow taste WAY better now. Like that.

So good game, Europa. I’ll be back.

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Bobby Van’s Burger Burger

I was going to bla bla bla about meat quality, cooking, toppings and on and on but let’s be real… It’s just a burger and by my count there’s 2 kinds of burgers. Really good burgers and the rest of the burgers.
Continue reading

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Please note this is a test of a new multimedia review with links

Kellari – 19 West 44th Street

They say of themselves “The perfect place for lunch, business meetings and intimate dinner events. Serving the freshest Greek Mediterranean Seafood in New York City.” You want to know what annoys me? People, places and things that tell me how great they are. You want to know what REALLY annoys me? People, places and things that are as great as they annoyingly just told me. Continue reading

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