Author Archives: rlcritic

Air Heads

I’ve had this advert page open all week. Staring. Ruminating. Head scratching. Maybe it tastes good. I don’t know. But I do know I’m not going to find out on the general principal of the premise and more so, the marketing campaign.

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I have never seen anything so overtly promote apathy as positive. “This tastes of nothing and in doing so, challenges my senses in no way what so ever. Which is good because I can’t do 9×12= in my head without whipping out my iPhone, so clearly I’m maxed out. Also, I really enjoy being seen whipping out my iPhone for mundane tasks… I should Tweet that.”

I need a drink.

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Public grooming

I have no lack of 4 letter words for this woman filing her nails on the train. When society can condone this we are just a short step away from the death of civility. Spread your DNA all over your own floor, bitch.

See? She killed my civility. Q.E.D.

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This guy is my hero

How To Not Piss Off The World With Your Email Signature

I once worked at an ad agency that forced employees to use an email signature. And not only did we have to have an email signature, but we had to rotate in new talking points about the company into the signature every week. “Did you know that Sturding Pooper Raper Lice was ranked a Top 50 Agency by AdWeek?” I quit that job after two months. Never in human history has a human being looked at an email signature and been like, “Whoa hey, I have to hire that person!”

The rest is here

O’Donogue’s

I’m not sure that’s the name of the place. I’m not sure that’s an actual name. But that’s what I’m going to call the roughly147th Irish pub to open recently in the greater Times Square area. If you have no perspective on the Irish-pub-per-square-foot statistic I’m describing, just imagine 4 football fields aligned in a grid and make sure each field has a minimum of 30 Irish pubs. Each one should have a dark mahogany bar. Each should be poorly lit. Each shall have a red or green facade and there shall always be one television showing soccer. Here’s the real head scratcher. Each will serve nachos and quesadilas.

This is a negative review of O’Donkeykongs pub. Why? Because its a fucking Irish pub serving Mexican food. Care to guess what used to be at that location before O’Kee-doe-kee’s opened? A goddamn Mexican restaurant!

Everything about O’Clahoma’s pub is identical to the other 146 Irish pubs in the area with the exception of having one of the cuter red headed, Irish brogued waitresses. Beyond that there is no point in giving any Irish pub any review at all because they are all exactly the same. Want a review anyway? OK. “They’re fine”

That said, I want my Mexican restaurant back. It was the only one. We didn’t need O’Doughnut’s pub. We already have O’Lunney’s, Connolly’s, Perfect Pint, St. Andrew’s, Pig n Whistle, O’Brien’s, Eamonn’s and Langan’s within (drunken) stumbling distance to name a few.

Final thought: The nachos werent bad. o’dugehughe’s pub is a rare place that carries an Irish pear cider, so I’m anxious to go back. Two uncommitted thumbs pointing firmly neither up nor down.

Another critic

This guy has a different, more succinct approach to critiques. Also, you never really know what he’s talking about. This is his space valsaid.wordpress.com

Really?

This is the first of many critiques on humanity. Frankly, humanity has it coming.

Its misting this morning. Cold, 55°. For late April, its downright miserable. People are not deterred. Off to work and stuff. We’re such a resilient organism. Must be our superior intelligence.

Take that young lady getting out of that car there. Opens the door. Fiddling with something. More fiddling.  Oh! Here comes an umbrella. Don’t want to get misted on walking the 10′ from the car to the covered train station.

Wait, now there’s more fiddling.  The umbrella is now out the door and upside down catching all the moisture it was meant to repel.

She begins a contortionistic set of maneuvers to get out of the car while maintaining maximum dryness from the now torrential mist. I briefly consider calling the Coast Guard, that little umbrella may need some help.

Begin disembarkation. Umbrella out the door. First foot leaves the car. So far so good. Check umbrella position; it’s sideways now, neither catching water nor protecting that brave little foot that has ventured out alone into this harsh environment. A full torso twist, she turns to grab her rather large purse. A purse so cumbersome in this kind of weather could be her downfall but she can not be stopped, no!

Next foot is out the door. Umbrella check: still in useless mode. Purse-slash-fashionable-bod-bag in lap, she begins her inchworm tooshy slide out of the car. Engage umbrella! It is now fully operational. Its 24 inch diameter offers complete protection from the relentless mist.

A couple more heave-hos and she is out. Had she the faculty of both hands it would not have been nearly as difficult, but no sane human would have attempted to leave the vehicle lacking the protection of the umbrella. No, this is the way it had to be.

As she comes around the car I see her unobscured. She’s wearing capris and thong sandals. Fucking sandals.

Are you serious?

I just need to recap because I’m confused. It took you 5 minutes to get out of the car because you needed that teeny-tiny umbrella to keep you “dry” as you walked 10 feet in mist. Do you dislike your feet? Do they need to be punished? Perhaps they are made of some unique water resistant substance. That must be it. But that begs the question then: what her head was made of?

Bored to contentness

Europa penne a la vodka

This was the most boring dish I’ve ever eaten which isn’t difficult since pasta is the launching pad for boring. Flour and water mixed and mashed into a solid that’s boiled in water… how you light my soul afire.

The vodka sauce was equally generic. At least it looked palatable. I added sundried tomatoes, mushrooms and chicken. Meh, meh and meh.

Put it all together and you get a big hot bowl of mediocrity and Europa hit this one out of the park.

It was wonderful.

My friend KG said it was nothing to write home about which is what tipped me off as to why I liked it so much. It tasted like home. You know those dishes you had at home when you were a kid that seemed there just to interfere with your cartoon watching that somehow taste WAY better now. Like that.

So good game, Europa. I’ll be back.

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Burgercide

Bobby Van’s Burger Burger

I was going to bla bla bla about meat quality, cooking, toppings and on and on but let’s be real… It’s just a burger and by my count there’s 2 kinds of burgers. Really good burgers and the rest of the burgers.
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