Category Archives: Review

Bored to contentness

Europa penne a la vodka

This was the most boring dish I’ve ever eaten which isn’t difficult since pasta is the launching pad for boring. Flour and water mixed and mashed into a solid that’s boiled in water… how you light my soul afire.

The vodka sauce was equally generic. At least it looked palatable. I added sundried tomatoes, mushrooms and chicken. Meh, meh and meh.

Put it all together and you get a big hot bowl of mediocrity and Europa hit this one out of the park.

It was wonderful.

My friend KG said it was nothing to write home about which is what tipped me off as to why I liked it so much. It tasted like home. You know those dishes you had at home when you were a kid that seemed there just to interfere with your cartoon watching that somehow taste WAY better now. Like that.

So good game, Europa. I’ll be back.

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Burgercide

Bobby Van’s Burger Burger

I was going to bla bla bla about meat quality, cooking, toppings and on and on but let’s be real… It’s just a burger and by my count there’s 2 kinds of burgers. Really good burgers and the rest of the burgers.
Continue reading

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Kellari

Please note this is a test of a new multimedia review with links

Kellari – 19 West 44th Street

http://www.kellari.us/

They say of themselves “The perfect place for lunch, business meetings and intimate dinner events. Serving the freshest Greek Mediterranean Seafood in New York City.” You want to know what annoys me? People, places and things that tell me how great they are. You want to know what REALLY annoys me? People, places and things that are as great as they annoyingly just told me. Continue reading

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Lindt’s sugar-crack explained

It’s come to my attention that readers may not be familiar with the substance called sugar-crack. So here is not so much a review, but an explanation.

Sugar-crack

Sugar-crack most likely has its origins in a government laboritory. Some have suggested it was part of the Nazi research on the supernatural while others have linked it to the US government’s development of LSD. Where ever it came from it was never intended as a food additive. But society has always sought to push the limits and confectioners have never shrugged away from the challenge. Thus they began using sugar-crack in candy.

Nestle, Lindt, Hershey… they all want you to believe sugar-crack is a “sweetener”. The reality is that it transcends taste. When it touches your tongue, it tells your brain “I’m sweet” but that’s just a distraction so it can start lighting up your thyroid system like a defibrillator.

For some, it can be addictive. For others, nearly deadly. I once saw a kid eat a half bag of sweet tarts (which are 95% pure, unrefined sugar-crack) and he went into such a spasmodic fit he nearly killed himself and the St. Bernard he was riding.

In the case of the reviewed Lindt candy, my estimation is that it is comprised of roughly 65.37% sugar-crack. I measured this based on the number of heart palpitations I got after injestion, divided by time, multiplied by how strong my urge was to begin running in a Tourettes fueled rage. The creaminess was nearly offset by the sugar-crack but I think it was a well measured blend.

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Lindt LINDOR Vanilla Truffles

This is my review of the Lindt LINDOR Vanilla Truffles.

As I removed the wrapper, I was not surprised to find what appeared to be a standard Lindt truffle, of which I have consumed far more than any human should reasonably expect to live through. Lindt describes it as a “white chocolate shell infused with vanilla [surrounding] an irresistibly smooth vanilla white chocolate center”.

To which, I call bullshit.

I would describe it as a “white sugar-crack shell infused with something you can’t see or taste [surrounding] an irresistibly smooth white sugar-crack center”

The center was firm. Much more firm than the gooey stuff you find inside the brown truffles. The shell was pure sugar-crack and the infusement seems nothing more than a marketing ploy. It pretty much just kept the inside from falling out. Overall it was an effective means of delivering sugar-crack. However, I could tell no difference between this sugar-crack and Lindt’s other white “chocolate” (aka sugar-crack) offerings.

The bottom line:

Let’s face it. If you eat white chocolate, its not because it tastes like something. It’s because its made of sugar-crack and that makes you all warm and fuzzy inside. Or it makes you talk really fast. Or both. Two sugar-crack fueled thumbs up

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Bobby Van’s Hot Dogs

Regrettably, there was very little for me to dislike with the hot dogs from BV Burgers. I found the guac and sautéed onions a pleasant blend. Indeed, it is difficult to imagine onions and hot dogs not blending nicely but the guac did not intrude, it complimented. The chili dog relied heavily on the chili for taste, but when the chili is that good, the dog can be made of recycled egg cartons and still be delicious.

I can’t speak too highly in my reviews. The dogs were a tad on the thin side and perhaps over cooked by 45 seconds. The guac had a tint of olive color too it. The fries needed a half Tsp more salt. I was really expecting the dogs to come in some sort of hermetically sealed container lined with precious metals. 2% of my chili and guac got left behind on the wrapping, which is an obvious call for the aforementioned hermetical sealing. The sun is a little brighter than I’d prefer today. I’m just so sick of Justin Beiber I want to punch her in the face. I had a martini last night. 4 is greater than 2.

Bobby Van’s Hot Dogs: 4/5 stars if you get the delicious toppings at a dollar a pop. If you just buy a plain old dog, why in hell are you getting it from BV’s? Just go to BV’s source, the dirty-water dog guy on the corner of 46th and 6th.

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